


Never Not

by Zana_Lee



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Confessions, F/M, Goodbyes, pretty fucking sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:35:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29981577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zana_Lee/pseuds/Zana_Lee
Summary: You're reading this now, wondering, is this a love letter? No, that's too embarrassing.This. This is a confession, Mikasa. Will you hear it?
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 1
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Possible manga spoilers.

Never Not

**_“We were so beautiful,  
We were so tragic.”_ **

You're reading this now, wondering, is this a love letter? No, that's too embarrassing.

This. This is a confession, Mikasa. Will you hear it? Will you let me say these things to you, finally?

You were always beautiful to me. Your beauty was evident in everything you did. When you smiled. When you laughed. When your cheeks flushed. And I was a slave to it. To looking at you. To the sound of your voice. To your very presence next to me.

But your smile, so rare, was my secret addiction. The way your eyes seemed to shine when you looked only at me – I would lose myself in you, Mikasa. Even in the way you did ordinary things: cleaning, riding on your horse – wind in your hair, the sheer, almost childlike happiness every time we returned to the ocean. Some days, your happiness was the only thing keeping me from drowning. Did you know that? Did you know you were my salvation? Did you know I dreamt of a peaceful future with you? Maybe not. I should have asked you sooner.

As a child, I’d lashed out at you, feeling embarrassed about my own reaction to you, maybe that wasn’t fair. But the truth I want you to know now is that I always wanted to be around you. That I always only looked at you.

Captain Levi caught me staring at you again. I can’t help myself. I want him to mind his own business. I want to continue looking at you, Mikasa. I want to look at you forever…would that be okay? Would you allow that after every sin I’ve committed? Would you still want to be close to me if you knew the extent of it? The full truth of my existence? Would you finally look at me with the disgust I deserve? I hope…you don’t. It’s selfish but my biggest wish is for you to continue to wear that scarf, that’s the only way I’ll know. The only way you’ll ever say it to me.

What am I to you, Mikasa?

_Say it_. I reach out to you silently, choking and begging. As if someone your words will save me. As if you saying those words will make a difference.

_You're family_ , you say. The lie is easy. Safe. But it breaks me, Mikasa. And for the first time, I am truly alone.

_I love you._

Say it with me, Mikasa.

Three words to tie us together forever.

Three words to bare my heart to you. Can you hear them? Can you feel them when I look at you?

Do you see me, Mikasa? Can you see that I am a desperate man? That I wish –

That my wish is for you to be happy?

Still, please never look away from me. I feel trapped unless I am under your gaze. Please, don't look away. Keep those eyes steadfast and on me.

This is my confession, Mikasa. Will you hear it?

For as long as I exist in this infinite space, my thoughts will only be of you.

What am I to you, Mikasa? If I ask you again will you finally say it this time?

_I love you, Eren._

Will you put me out of my misery?


	2. For the Rest of Mine

**_“From the moment I loved, I knew you were the one ”_ **

If I close my eyes, Eren -   
Will my wish reach you?

Don’t go.  
Don’t say goodbye to me.   
Don’t leave me here alone.  
Let me say it to you, Eren.   
Let me say it to you – just once.

But my voice has no power. It can no longer reach you.   
You can’t hear me anymore.   
You’re too far away.  
 _Ikanaide_. Stay with me.

I keep your scarf like a promise,   
as if it will hold me together if you would somehow cease to exist.

I keep it so I will remember you,   
forever.  
Is that so bad? Can I not keep you here a little longer?  
Will you not sit beside me, one last time?

You are far away from me now, Eren.  
I can no longer reach you no matter how I run,   
no matter how I scream – you are out of my reach.

Don’t disappear.  
Don’t leave me behind.  
Don’t go where I can’t follow.

Eren, please.   
Open your eyes.   
Eren, please.   
Look at me -

One more time.

One more time, is all I ask.

_I have always hated you, Mikasa._

But that’s not true, is it Eren?  
It can’t be the last thing I ever hear from your lips.  
Don’t tell me that.   
Don’t lie to me.

It’s a lie, right?

Will you allow me to send a wish for you?  
Will you allow it to reach you, Eren?  
My wish is just for you to know –

_What am I to you, Mikasa?_

To me, Eren, you are everything.   
For you, there is nothing I wouldn’t do.  
Because my heart, however fragile, has always belonged only to you.

There are words,  
So many words that I can’t show you,  
but they all mean the same thing, Eren.

They mean that I love you.

But I am lucky Eren,  
Even if you truly hate me,  
I am happy to have known you.  
And I keep thinking -  
How great would I be, to have you here with me now?


End file.
